Seriously, do not move here. Well, I’ll first state that I am a Californian transplant. I moved to Portland, OR from Oakland, CA where I was born and raised and eventually pushed out by gentrification. I had no choice but to move to the cheaper, cleaner, greener, sweeter, more tree’d up, sales taxless city of Portland. It was hard at first, getting used to more food options, friendlier people, lack of crime, an abundance of creativeness, and all of the beer. But I’m adapting.
Anyways, now that I am here, I have realized there are many reasons not to move to Portland, so I thought I would share them with you all.
UPDATE: I actually moved out of Portland after 2.5 years. I lived in NW on 21st Ave, SW in Multnomah Village, and SE in Clinton. Portland is such a blue privileged bubble city of Bernie Washed one-sided thought; it’s disgusting. So maybe it’s your utopia? Keep reading for details and what grand city I moved to. Here’s a hint. Or should I say dead giveaway? OK, so now you know but still keep reading.
1) Hobo Spiders (full article)
Seriously, this reason alone should be the main reason not to move here or anywhere in Oregon. No one ever told my Californian ass that Portland had dangerous poisonous spiders that can and will invade your house. If this doesn’t keep you away from Portland, then it’s likely that nothing will. The rest of these reasons just are not poisonous house invading spiders. The end all.
2) It’s always raining or cloudy! (coolest local weather maps)
It is said that Portland receives very little sun throughout the year. I want to say this is true, but it is not. The summer is scorching and sunny. However, the Fall, Winter, and Spring can face many days of cloud cover and lots of wet days. It might not even be real rain, just endless miserable drizzle. Spranks, endless spranks. Kind of like living in the Outer Sunset in San Francisco, perma drizzle. Portland has an average rainfall of 40.8″ which is actually pretty much the national average rainfall. You can check rainfall at any given time here at the HYDRA Network. Seriously, most of the East Coast gets more rain, snow and colder temperatures. So honestly, Portland has perfect weather. No complaints here. I do miss how mild the Winter was in the Bay Area but can survive here.
As far as the cloudy days go, it is said that Portland averages 222 cloudy days a year. It’s no big deal to me, but many people get depressed and are affected by SAD(Seasonal Affective Disorder). They lack that natural sunlight, become down and blame the clouds. If you’re one of those people you may very well need one of these SAD Lights. I know someone with one, and she likes it. I don’t need it. However, there are high suicide rates, and some blame the weather so we’ll keep this as a reason not to move to PDX.
3) Cascadia Quake <-- Full article
When building this fine city of Portland, people were unaware of the MEGA QUAKE that can strike at any time and demolish everything from the coast to the deserts of Oregon. The earthquake that will knock part of the coast into the Pacific Ocean and crumble every old bridge from Northern California to Vancouver, Canada. As someone who survived the 1989 Loma Prieta in Oakland, I will say I am not looking forward to a 9.0+ quake in an old city like Portland. A great reason to stay far away from Portland or the entire Pacific Northwest.
4) Extreme heat / cold
So you do always hear about how rainy, cloudy and cold it is here, but no one prepares you for the really hot relentless summer. I’m talking days in a row of really sunny hot weather. Not cloudy, just sunny and hot. Be prepared to just lay around in your underwear saying “it’s hot” over and over. When out and about, it’s all anyone will talk about. I lived in 3 separate houses in Portland, and none of them had an air conditioner. It’s not really a thing there. But, it gets freezing cold too! I felt 17 degrees(who knows with wind chill) for the first time in my life in December 2014. The months from November to February reach many below freezing days and only rarely make it to a high 50 degrees in the day. When it does reach 50 degrees, people are outside wearing shorts as if it’s warm, but it’s still frigid out. And all this cold weather rarely brings snow. And if a “Snowmageddon” does happen, the city shuts down over a few inches. I did have to buy thermal underwear for the first time in my life. I became a huge fan and bought several more pairs, bottoms, and tops. Pretty perfect comfy winter clothing.
It did snow a little this Winter though. Here’s a photo of my house in Southwest Multnomah Village. Be sure to follow me on Instagram!
UPDATE! It snowed a whole lot in early 2017. Here’s my house in Southeast Portland, the Clinton neighborhood. Global cooling is starting to expose itself.
5) No Fluoride in the water….
Portland is the only major US city to reject fluoridated water. Not once but 4 times since 1956. For many, this is a plus but for many others, this is a negative. How do you feel about it? Do you want the government adding chemicals to your water for your benefit? Do you trust that they would spend billions for you in that sense or do you think there is a bigger picture?
The water in Portland also tastes supreme. I wonder if it is fluoride that gives other cities that weird thick filmy taste?
6) Rising rents
As you know, Portland has become a moving destination hot spot. Meaning rent prices are skyrocketing as the supply runs low and the demand keeps growing. There is no rent control here in Portland, so your landlord can raise your rent by ANY dollar amount at any given time. Local residents love to blame Californians for rising rents and forget the fact that it is Oregon born landlords deciding what prices to charge when renting out units. I moved here not only to escape the ghetto, but because Oakland’s gentrification pushed me out.
This city will push people out much faster than the gentrifying Bay Area because there is no rent control and the original Oregon based landlords are greedy. And to top it off, all of the new buildings are high dollar yupster command centers without parking garages putting more strain on the city. We do need new units, just not these kinds. Of course, the other problem is all of these anti-transplant Portland characters refuse to let the past go. They will protest the hell out of an old janky bar with no business getting demolished when that plot of land can be used for newer, bigger, better housing units but then cry that there are no new housing units. Pick your battles, let the past go. The past is what holds a city back. Look at San Francisco and learn from their mistake. Build up and a lot now while you still can. Also, realize it is the business owners decision, and they own the old useless building. They are choosing to sell for a profit so they can move out of Portland and retire. Are you getting it yet? It is greedy Portlanders ruining Portland. But that is just human nature. If you had a house to rent for more than it should be, you would. And if you had land to sell and retire on, you would. California did not do this; your neighbors did this. Stop being part of the problem and let the future happen. If everyone were like you, Portland would still be stables and barns.
You really should watch this video, you might even cry.
7) No jobs for you in PDX
In this city of “industry”, your most likely job option is flipping burgers, making coffee, pouring drinks or retail. Tech isn’t that big here yet and most people you meet work at a restaurant or bar(cocaine runs rampant). So if you’re OK with working nights and weekends in the food service industry(around a bunch of coke heads), this may be the place for you. But just like in San Francisco, as rents skyrocket, food servers can no longer afford to live in the city they work in(because they spend all of their tips on booze and coke, while local owners raise rents). Here in Portland a lot of places are closing down in what they’re calling the “Barmageddon“. Yeah, by now you’ve noticed they add mageddon to everything but so does any local media in any city as a way of spreading junk via hashtags. But here in Portland, the locals will tell you it’s unique to their city.
Anyways, back to the no jobs thing. That’s one way of looking at it. The other way is that Portland houses Nike, Intel, HP, SalesForce, eBay offices, Zerox and much more. These places are constantly hiring, and there are huge amounts of smaller startups all over the city. The city of Portland is actually begging new tech firms to move in. They can’t even fill all of the positions because the population here is simply not skilled enough to fill all the tech jobs. I had a homie in Denver, CO hit me up asking if I knew anyone who codes Ruby on Rails for his remote office to hire because they couldn’t get anyone qualified from Craigslist in PDX. I am constantly bombarded with emails from recruiters here. I would say many jobs do exist if you want to work outside of retail, hospitality or the food industry. But locals will say there are no jobs. Seems like the truth is they lack the skill for the real jobs and there are only so many restaurants, coffee shops and bar jobs to go around. Sorry, not sorry. Step up your game millennials.
8) Volcanoes everywhere
Did I mention giant mountains that explode? Portland is in the Cascade Mountain Range which is littered with active and dormant volcanoes. Mount St. Helen’s last blew its top in a powerful display of insane awesomeness back on May 18th, 1980. They say currently the magma chamber is bulging upwards again. On the plus side? We have a beautiful skyline with a massive beast(Mt. Hood) overlooking the city with snow and glacier capped peaks year around. It’s beautiful. You may have also noticed that I used Mt. Hood for PortlandMofo.
9) Traffic sucks
Because PDX is so spread out along the East Side and South West side and most people work downtown, it makes for a traffic nightmare. They call it bridge city because there are 12 bridges that cross the Willamette River. I’ll note that the St. Johns Bridge is the coolest bridge(follow @OaklandMofo) in Portland. These structures are the only ways into downtown where people work. The traffic is a nightmare during rush hour. You can view live traffic at anytime on Sigalert. Keep in mind that Sigalert is only showing you the freeway traffic. The city streets are jam-packed everywhere because as you can see there are large portions of Portland with no freeway at all. These streets through downtown are a constant stream of polluting cars. Just walking down Burnside in downtown is probably worse for you than smoking a pack of cigarettes.
10) Public Transit also sucks
People claim Portland has an amazing public transit system, but it takes so long to get from one side of the city to the other. They lack a mass transit system like BART(which also sucks). They have MAX but it is a joke, and I don’t count it as a real rail system. And buses pretty much all buses shut down shortly after midnight. This leaves a lot of drunk drivers on the road because there is no other way to get around when the bars close at 2:30 am. They have recently allowed Uber to operate in the city but some all night buses would be ideal.
$20 Free Ride From Uber Code In Portland “gerryd254ue“
Speaking of rideshare apps, I have a code here to get a free $20 off your first ride. Just install the app on your phone and enter the code. How could you say no to that? Once you install the app enter the code for your free ride in Portland. If you don’t know, it is just like a Taxi but cheaper!
What is a “hipster” anyway? Good question. The typical stereotype is your average Portland stretch eared, flannel wearing, tight jeans sporting, trucker cap, bearded mustache PBR drinking douche wad. I mean there are copy paste of the same people everywhere. I even call Hawthorne the Hipster Highway. But honestly, I have seen far fewer “hipsters” here in Portland than I started seeing in Oakland and San Francisco. So if these unoriginal clones bother you, you’re going to run into them no matter where you go. It’s best not to care what others do and just be yourself. But, there is no doubt these people are super try-hards and will mold with whatever the media tells them is cool to be “not cool” cool. But seriously, do not befriend them, they are fake and probably only talk about things like how Russia hacked us(proof).
12) Yupsters (you’re probably one)
What is a yupster? Something that is even more prevalent here in the land of Port. A yupster is a wealthier version of the hipster that has a more “normal” appearance and maybe even a small family. Often referred to as Yuckies. Young Urban Creative something but as I say, Young Urban Copy Pastes. But yes, a yupster is basically a hipster minus the flannel, beard, stretched ears, plus a scarf, hoodie, baby or something. I say who cares, why let others bother you? You don’t have to befriend them. They will probably hate you anyway. Portland snobs hate Californians and other transplants. Yes, even though they themselves are all transplants. They say things like “well I’ve been here for 8 years, so it’s ok”. Subscribe for an entire article on the subject coming soon.
13) Lack of “diversity”
When I told my friends in Oakland that I was moving to Portland, they said: “don’t move there, it has no diversity“! It is said that Portland is the “whitest major city in America.” And I mean coming from Oakland / San Francisco to here(and now living in Las Vegas), I can easily say it’s nowhere near anything like either of the three major cities when it comes to ethnic makeup. Not even close. One could easily notice that because of that it’s not even a fraction as ghetto as these other major cities and it’s super clean. So this can be a plus or a negative. I don’t know. When people said “don’t move to Portland, it’s not diverse,” I asked them, what does diversity mean to you? And you know that’s racist? Portland is very diverse. I’ve never seen this many different kinds of white people in my life! Also, there is a ton of food from all over the world and many many tourists on any given week. I would say it doesn’t meet the stereotype of “diversity” in Oakland, but it does offer a lot. What does diversity mean to you? Do you consider Portland diverse? Is this diversity?
As for political diversity? None at all. It is so Bernie Washed. This is a city that will be in rage if Trump drops one bomb on Syria. But the same people slept during the 8 years Obama wrecked that country and many others. Obama dropped 26,000+ bombs in 2016 alone, not a single peep from this blue privileged city. Trump carries out one precision attack on an enemy airfield in 2017; everyone goes crazy. So you have to understand, this blue bubble is not diverse at all. It is so one-sided, can’t think for itself, and may turn you into one of those zombies in order to be socially accepted. Not I though, I just moved when I realized everyone was brainwashed. I shall not conform to be accepted. I think for myself.
Racial diversity? It is the kind of city that is quick to protest, block freeways, set stuff on fire, and all in the name of “Black Lives Matter”. Yet there are barely any black people here. It’s just a bunch of rich white kids patting themselves on their backs and being social with each other. They know nothing about hood life yet act so “cultured”. It’s sickening really. As of 2010 there was a African American population of 6.3% and that is declining as people flock to Portland and rents rise. This tiny population is concentrated in North Portland. As a result, a direct correlation is a city without much crime. There are a lot of homeless white junkies and theft is a problem in some areas, but largely in part, the city is crimeless compared to any other major urban city in America. In fact, only 20 murders in 2016 alone. That is crazy low for a city of this size. Don’t be mad at me; it’s just numbers being repeated. There is nothing wrong with stating numbers. If you think this is racist, check yourself and close this article. Maybe you need to move to understand. Get out of your bubble.
Everyone is offended by everything. You would not believe how many people this article offended.
14) Burrito desert
After moving up here from Oakland, I will say the burrito truck options are lacking to almost nonexistent. I was used to being walking distance from multiple top-tier options as far as Mexican food goes. Some will debate this and state that there are good options, but so far I’ve only found alright burritos at much higher cost. Portland does have burgers covered though! I’m OK with this. To be fair, if you’re OK with driving 20 minutes across town for an alright burrito, you’re good. But if you want to live in a burritopia, don’t even think about moving here.
15) Water contamination
It’s actually happened several times since I’ve been in Portland where they have issued “boil alerts“. The water has been contaminated in the local reservoirs for unknown reasons, and samples contained E. Coli and coliform bacteria. They never did find out the original contamination source and had to drain the water reserves. On the plus side, when there isn’t poop in our water, it’s delicious, natural, clean and fluoride free. Most of Oregon is fluoride free.
16) Gangs / Shootings
Maybe you want to move to Portland but can not afford to live downtown proper or shallow east due to rising rents. Many people find themselves out deep east past the 80’s and into Gresham, a neighboring city. This area is littered with tweeker like folks, and there seems to be a lot of white gangs. Who would have thought? It’s like Banging In Little Rock if you remember that. But that is not where the murders come from. Those still come from North and North East in those communities where the majority of the last 6.3% of African Americans live. Out in tweekervile it is a lot of shootings, but they seem to always miss. It’s weird, like Trailer Park Boys if you will? So, white tweeker gangs in the far east. Murders and robberies happen mostly in North East Portland, the last place to be “gentrified”. They say Portland’s shootings are much higher this year. I myself witnessed a shooting downtown on Ash St. and 3rd one night while sitting outside a bar drinking. It was strange considering I haven’t heard gunfire since I left Oakland. I almost didn’t know what was going on for a minute. However, the guy missed all 6 or 7 shots and ran off on foot and escaped. So as in most shootings here, no one dies. It’s like everyone has terrible aim around here. And the murder rate is really low. Stay tuned as we launch a Portland Murder Rate article just like the Oakland Homicide article here.
17) Homeless problem and heroin
Portland has a homeless problem like any other city and heroin is huge up here. One thing I’ve noticed is the homeless population is very densely located downtown near the Burnside Bridge and Waterfront Park in an area they call Skid Row. I have also noticed a lot of transients are seasonal street kids(think Berkeley / Santa Cruz) who run “the circuit.” I’ve gone out, hung out, drank and talked with groups of them on several occasions. They’re easier to relate to than the Bernie Bros at the bars. They come here for the amazing summer, free food stamps and then return down south towards SF/Golden Gate Park and L.A for the winter where it’s warmer. But the good thing about this is they are nowhere near as aggressive as panhandlers in downtown San Francisco or Oakland. You can walk by large groups of homeless and not get asked for anything. It’s so strange and refreshing. If anything, they may try to sell you some sub-par weed. Whereas other cities, people make demands as you walk by and call you racist names when you don’t adhere to the demand. There is a much smaller year-round mentally ill and heavy drug-using population that sticks around for the winter. I would say overall it is not a huge problem in the sense that they are not aggressive and dangerous like the Bay, but I have heard locals say otherwise. I think they need to visit SF and see just how insane it can really get. Basically, it’s not that bad– it’s safe– all cities have homeless people, Portland has less. It’s fine; they’re just not knowing what it’s like outside of the bubble.
UPDATE: By the end of 2016, with the mass ejection of homeless camps along the Springwater Corridor, camps popped up all over South East Portland. Again, nonaggressive, just existing and doing dope with each other. I have walked by countless times and not had a single person ask me for anything. It is rather strange. It makes you wonder where they get their money because the crime did not go up in my area.
18) You can’t pump your own gas
Yeah, you must let some station worker do it for you! An Oregon law Chapter 480.320 makes it that way. One could say that’s awesome! But when you end up in a busy station and you’re waiting for slow employees it’s not so great. Especially when the kid wants to waste time trying to flirt with a girl in another car instead of doing his job. But this is good because it provides a lot of jobs, gas is no more expensive because of it, and you don’t have to tip. When I first stopped in an Oregon city by the name of Ashland on the way up from California, I was confused when told I couldn’t pump my gas and tried to tip. That’s how they know you’re from California; you try to tip. But you also get some really poor hygiene workers you must hand your card to, and I mean bad. Pretty sure they employee homeless drug users at many stations. But hey, at least they give them jobs so they can afford drugs without begging from you.
19) No Underground party scene
Maybe you care, maybe you don’t. But coming from Oakland and going to all kinds of all night BYOB multiple room warehouse underground parties to Portland where there is just about nothing going on after hours is a trip. This place is a ghost town after the bars shut down at 2:30 am. I assumed all big cities had a booming underground population. One could say it’s because I’m new here and don’t know anyone, but I have met many people, DJ’s included that say the underground scene here is nothing like the Bay. In Oakland/SF, you have to choose as to which party to go to that night, but here it’s rare even to have one to choose from. But one plus is bars are open til 2:30 am as to where in California they close at 2 am. Here you can generally get a drink at 2:25 am if you promise the bartender you’ll down it. In California, they will snatch your drink at like 1:45 am after last calling at 1:40 am. Loving this 24 hour non stop Vegas life though.
20) City Shuts Down Early
I did mention that when the bars shut down the city is done. But even before that, most things close. Finding late night food is pretty hard, stores, clubs, venues, etc. And after 2:30 am, good luck with finding a good place to eat nearby. Comment below with your favorite places to eat 24 hours a day in Portland.
21) Music Venues Suck
Coming from the Bay Area, such an epic center of music and performance, I’ve found that Portland flat out sucks when it comes to real entertainment. It seems that the Roseland Theater and The Crystal Ballroom are the most booked venues here and it’s a joke compared to say the Fox Theater in Oakland or Filmore, Warfield, Bill Graham, etc. in San Francisco. For example, I went to see Shpongle when they were here in Portland and expected to see Shpongle Live(I was at that show). As soon as I made it upstairs in this all-ages alcohol restricted tiny venue and saw the stage, I knew there was no way in hell they were going to fit on that small stage. What a joke! It turns out they had to do a “DJ set” meaning not Shpongle at all. I will try to stay away from going back there no matter who is playing. It would be a shame if Beats Antique came to town. They would have nowhere to do their full ensemble.
I did go back for Tech N9ne, and same thing, small over crowded stage, all ages, beer restricted to upstairs away from the show, etc. Oh, and they always end early. Like midnight? But this is the best Portland has to offer, and that’s the problem. If you like live music, be prepared for small crappy venues with sub-par sound systems and all ages. There are a lot of smaller more intimate venues for local bands and whatnot, and that’s cool, but that is any city. This place lacks higher caliber venues. And I know if I have not pissed you Portlanders off yet, this was the last straw because you will defend this place but really, you’re missing out.
22) Liquor Stores
A bizarre thing here is if you ask someone where the nearest “liquor store” is they will direct you to a far away location. It no longer means a corner store or ghetto mart; it means state liquor store. That’s right; you can not buy hard alcohol at the corner store or grocery store. You must go to a state-appointed market where prices are much higher than wherever you’re coming from. These close early and cost are a lot more than normal. I think they do this to keep the bar/drinking scene thriving since it’s where most people work.
23) High Bike Theft
This could be an issue anywhere, but since most people ride bikes in Portland(yes even in the rain), it is a huge problem here. One that goes unchecked and is out of control. So you may get your $1,000 bike stolen while at work. Life. I actually wrote tips on preventing your bike from being stolen stolen here and will create a Portland version soon. Another reason to subscribe.
24) Portland’s Reed College Nuclear Reactor
Just the only nuclear reactor in the nation that is run by college students. No big deal. I’m sure nothing could go wrong. American college kids are the brightest snowflakes around.
25) Marijuana Is Legal
Yes, these crazy hippie Oregonians voted to legalize a narcotic substance! Now you won’t be able to go to a coffee shop without some punk kid trying to sell you a doobie /sarcasm. As of October, all Medical Clubs are open to the public to purchase marijuana legally. I mean if you don’t already have a hook up that’s cheaper. It is still better to have a medical card because you pay less tax, get stronger edibles and can buy more weed. It is even legal to fly with weed here in Oregon and people are smuggling it out of the state on airplanes.
26) No Pro Football or Baseball Team
If you even care about that sort of thing. I do not. It seems the people of Portland have adapted and claim Seattle’s teams as their own even though the citizens hate Seattle and always claim to be a better city.
Portland does, however, have the Portland Trailblazers basketball team and a local soccer team, the Timbers. People seem to care a lot about them. Again, not into sports, care levels are null. However, growing up in Oakland I used to be a huge A’s and Raiders fan(they’re following me to Las Vegas) and even still love tailgating with all of the friends. There is no tailgating in this city. People go to really expensive bars before the games instead. It’s not in the slightest bit close to what a tailgating city has to offer. If Portland had a Football team, what would the name be? Comment below.
27) Locals Hate Californians
People online(go troll them, easy triggering) will talk all kinds of trash about how they hate people from California, and they will even blame us for the local landlords raising rents and profiting, but when it comes down to it, face to face, I’ve never had anyone talk trash about me being from California. I have had people buy me a drink though. In fact, I would say that 80% of the people I meet here are from other states. Even those online trash talkers have only been here for 5 to 15 years. It’s how the world works, people move. Some don’t get it. Even those born and raised here, you’re not special. In fact, if anything you are deprived because you don’t get to explore like us city hopping nomads.
28) Most Of Oregon Is Far Right
Portland is considered a progressive left liberal like area, but anywhere outside of the city you’ll find back wood anti-foreigner mobs of tree cutting truck driving lowbrow red necks. One can argue this about any state though. The same could be said for California where the Bay Area is a “blue” area and the rest of the Central Valley is very “red.” I am not saying I am “blue” or “red,” but that is the easiest way to explain the demographic splits from city to rural areas in this country. As you can already tell, I am independent and glad we escaped Hillary and can read through media lies. But Oregon does not have much in between. City Bernie Washed zombies, country racist rednecks. Where are the real people? Scattered throughout the state, keeping to themselves because of mob mentalities.
29) No Amusement Parks
Oregon has no Disney Land, no Great America, no Six Flags. If you have a family or you like Roller Coasters you’re just going to be deprived here. All Oregon has to offer is hundreds of thousands of acres of beautiful lush green State Parks, mountains, National Parks, forest and waterfalls. Boo.
30) Obama Visits Portland
That guy keeps showing up, closing shit down, causing traffic, getting people excited and just leaving his stain everywhere. If this excites you, you’re weird.
UPDATE: Luckily you don’t have to worry about Trump visiting. He wants to remove your sanctuary city funding. Harboring illegal criminals and putting a strain on the federal government is no longer acceptable. Fund your own crime, the choice is yours, pay for your choice.
Because it’s the Pacific North West, you are surrounded by all kinds of floral and in the Spring time it will be overwhelming to a newcomer. And it’s not just pollen you have to worry about. This place is also very damp and wet and there is a lot of mold and moss. Can you handle it?
32) People Are Too Nice
Some call it a fake nice but either way, they are nice. You can’t even check out at Whole Foods or buy a coffee without the person behind the counter surprising you with some shit like “So what are your plans this weekend?”. The first time this happened I thought, “is she hitting on me? My girlfriend is like right there.” And also I was caught off guard. I don’t know what I’m doing this weekend! I just woke up and crawled out of bed and don’t even know what I’m doing in 20 minutes. Even though it’s a fake nice, it’s there. Everywhere. You may think this is normal, but in the Bay, everyone just keeps the stank face on all day, and no one smiles or says hi. Here, getting coffee may induce social anxiety.
33) Expensive To Eat Out
Yes, you may save money on rent and by not paying sales tax, but eating out is really expensive. Because the city is staffed by workers who have never had a job other than working in food, this industry must keep running strong to keep them all employed. And that means a $12 burger is normal. Some could say that is cheap, especially if they are coming from San Francisco.
34) IPA Or GTFO
Portland, the city of many beers. Mostly IPA beers. Everywhere. Even if it’s not an IPA, it will taste like an IPA. It is a fad that will not let up because it has indeed been proven long ago that you’re cooler if you drink IPA’s. Or PBR. Sorry to let you down. It is not the beer hub you wished for, or maybe it is?
35) Traffic Signs
You may be used to logical driving conditions such as visible stop signs and what not. But here they don’t even write the word STOP on the ground. You’re lucky if you can even see the stop sign. Some are just flat out hidden behind overgrown trees. You have to learn your hood to know where the stop signs are. The freeway system is also a mess. You’ll find that out as soon as you get here.
36) Parking Is Terrible
If you live anywhere near downtown on the NW or SW side, be prepared for a parking nightmare. You do have to buy a yearly permit but these areas are laced with establishments, so there is a constant flow of people and to find parking in front of your house can take over 15 minutes at a time. One thing I noticed though, there are no “No Parking – Street Sweeping” signs. They do not do weekly street sweeping here like other cities. Which is nice but there are leaves for days because of it. So many leaves.
37) Too many strip clubs
Portland is the per capita strip club leader in the nation. Or at least someone told me that. Actually everyone says that but there is no data to back it up and it may be a myth. Either way, you probably do not like strip clubs and therefore should not move here.
I do not like strip clubs, but I did find these are nothing like your SF clubs and I did find them to be fun. They have food, cheap drinks, fully nudity, good athletic strippers who more or less do acts on stage and aerobatics and crazy stuff, aka put on a show. It came to the point where when any friends visited from out of town, I would take them to The Kit Kat Club to blow their mind. They would go in with this dirty Frisco club in their mind and see how different it is and have a great time. Females visiting included. Everyone loved it.
38) Power outages!
Come Fall and Winter when the winds pick up, it goes down. Trees blow over everywhere, construction sites fall apart in downtown city streets, power goes out and people are left in the dark for days at a time. A friend was just out for 3 days! You can check current outages here.
39) No day parties
No super sick massive slamming day parties here. Ok, well I did go to one day party under the St John’s Bridge and it was cool but it was like a jamboree party compared to say Sunset on Treasure Island.
If you’re into massive street fairs and festivals, Portland is not for you. Yes the city has a lot of “street fairs,” but they consist mostly of PG&E booths, solar panel salesmen, Century Link sales bros, save the elephant people, and we need more bike lane warriors. Oh and yeah local handmade art(and junk) and some food and stuff. Nothing and I mean nothing even close to like How Weird, Decompression, Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival, Super Hero Street Fair, Folsom Street Fair, Bay to Breakers, Fleet Week and so on. If you’re into those kinds of things, this place will seem like a bunch extended yard sales with corporate sponsors. But there are a lot of smaller expensive things. Food festivals. It’s like beer or burger week every other week.
41) Couples Always Break Up
It’s true. This is the Valley Of Tears. It seems like everyone I meet that moved here with someone(myself included), broke up with their significant other shortly after. When my girlfriend and I moved here, it wasn’t very long before we split. We’re still friends and I kitty sit for her every time she goes out of town, so it’s not like a bad thing. But of course every single time someone asks me why I moved here, that is part of the story, and I find out from many people that they had the same situation unfold. One person even said some call it the Valley of Tears and that couples who move here together are doomed. So, if you’re in a happy relationship, do not move here. As for The Valley of Tears, the drunk guy at a bar told me that Indians would send couples to the area to see if they survived and are meant to be together. Or something. I have searched many times and can not find anything about local Indian lore on this, but if you have info, please hit me up so I can add it. If it is not true, it is for me and many others.
42) Longer Summer Nights
The sun stays out way too long here in the summer. I mean we’re talking sunsets after 9 pm and dusk near 10 pm. This is terrible and if you’re trying to be in bed by 9 pm, like you should. This late-night summer sun makes it really hard.
43) Loud Military Jets! <-- Full article
Portland International Airport is home to an F-15 fighter jet squadron known as the Red Hawks. They are loud and frequent. I personally love it, but I know you, you will hate it. Read my full article for some awesome info. It was one of my favorites to research.
44) Property Tax Is Really High!
If you are coming here to own, be ready to pay a lot in property taxes. You didn’t think they were going to let that free sales tax slide without ripping you off elsewhere did you But if you’re just here to rent and call shots, you’re fine. Let those Oregon born deal with it.
No, seriously. Because. It is the main reason no one wants you to move here, and that’s what the big fuss is about. Because. If none of these other reasons put you off and you still want to move here. Just don’t, because. Although, to be fair. If I were you, I still would. Portland is awesome. Until of course a major election comes about, and everyone turns into fake news media spewing bot-tards parroting everything CNN, MSNBC, and Buzzfeed says. What a bunch of zombies.
Even funnier, these same state-ist people who reject transplants and tell you not to move here and act all high and mighty because of where they were randomly born, these people…… They say we need to open our borders to war-torn countries full of sworn enemies who openly declare they will come in with the refugees. But as long as you don’t move to Portland! It’s ridiculous. This is why Portland is not for me. Hypocrites and illogical people will never be my crowd.
46) No More PDX Carpet
I mean the only reason to ever even come to Portland in the first place was so that you could get a picture of your feet with the iconic Portland Airport carpet right? Well, they removed it, and the new one is not that great. I suggest from this point on instead of taking a photo of your feet, you take a picture flipping it off as shown in my photo here and tag it #PortlandMofo.
So as you know, I did move to Las Vegas. A 24-hour city with proper infrastructure, tons of diversity, much food, beer, people who think on both sides of the fence, cheaper rent, more sunshine and so on. I could keep going, but I’m going to save that for a future article.
For now, please share and comment with your additions below.