Moving to Portland, Oregon
Seriously, do not move here. I’ll first state that I am a Californian transplant. I moved to Portland, OR from Oakland, CA, where I was born and raised and eventually pushed out by “gentrification.” So I had no choice but to move to the cheaper, cleaner, greener, sweeter, more tree’d up, sales taxless city of Portland. It was hard at first, living in Portland, Oregon, getting used to more food options, friendlier people, lack of crime, an abundance of creativeness, and all of the beer. But I’m adapting.
Anyways, after living in Portland, I have realized there are many reasons not to move to Portland, so I thought I would share them with you all.
Residents are fleeing big cities like Portland during the pandemic. Jobs are gone, and governors are shutting down small businesses operated and owned by residents while supporting protestors. All this alone is reason enough NOT to move to Portland.
UPDATE: Portland SUCKS! I Moved Out of Portland
I actually moved out of Portland after 2.5 years. I lived in Northwest Portland directly on 21st Ave, Southwest in the heart of Multnomah Village, and Southeast in Clinton. After living directly in ground zero of Portland’s hottest districts and neighborhoods, I can confidently say that Portland is such a blue privileged bubble city of Bernie Washed one-sided thought; it’s disgusting. So maybe it’s your utopia?
Keep reading for details and what grand city I moved to. Here’s a hint(Amazon Audio Book, you should already own a copy of this book). Or should I say dead giveaway? OK, so now you know, but still keep reading because Portland sucks.
Now, on to the reasons for those of you who are OK with Antifa, BLM, riots, etc.
Living in Portland Oregon(or leaving)
1) Hobo Spiders
Seriously, this reason alone should be the main reason not to move here or anywhere in Oregon. No one ever told my Californian ass that Portland had dangerous poisonous spiders that can and will invade your house. If this doesn’t keep you away from Portland, then it’s likely that nothing will. The rest of these reasons just are not poisonous house invading spiders. The end-all.
2) It’s always raining or cloudy! And yes, it does snow. (coolest local weather maps)
It is said that Portland receives very little sun throughout the year. I want to say this is true, but it is not. The summer is scorching and sunny. However, the Fall, Winter, and Spring can face many days of cloud cover and many wet days. It might not even be real rain, just endless miserable drizzle. Spranks, endless spranks. Kind of like living in the Outer Sunset in San Francisco, with perma drizzle. Portland has an average rainfall of 36″, which is actually kind of below the national average rainfall. You can check rainfall at any given time here at the HYDRA Network. Seriously, most of the East Coast gets more rain, snow, and colder temperatures. So honestly, Portland has perfect weather. No complaints here. I do miss how mild the winter was in the Bay Area, but I can survive here.
As far as the cloudy days go, it is said that Portland averages 296 cloudy days a year. It’s no big deal to me, but many people get depressed and are affected by SAD(Seasonal Affective Disorder). They lack that natural sunlight, become down, and blame the clouds. If you’re one of those people, you may very well need one of those SAD Lights. I know someone with one, and she likes it. I don’t need it. However, there are high suicide rates, and some blame the weather, so we’ll keep this as a reason not to move to PDX.
3) Cascadia Quake <-- Full article
When building this fine city of Portland, people were unaware of the MEGA QUAKE that can strike at any time and demolish everything from the coast to the deserts of Oregon. The earthquake that will knock part of the coast into the Pacific Ocean and crumble every old bridge from Northern California to Vancouver, Canada. As someone who survived the 1989 Loma Prieta in Oakland, I will say I am not looking forward to a 9.0+ quake in an old city like Portland. A great reason to stay far away from Portland or the entire Pacific Northwest.
4) Extreme heat / cold
So you do always hear about how rainy, cloudy and cold it is here, but no one prepares you for the relentless sweltering summer. I’m talking days in a row of really sunny hot weather. Not cloudy, just sunny and hot. Be prepared to just lay around in your underwear, saying “it’s hot” over and over. When out and about, it’s all anyone will talk about. I lived in 3 separate houses in Portland, and none of them had an air conditioner. It’s not really a thing there. But it gets freezing cold too! I felt 17 degrees(who knows with wind chill) for the first time in my life in December 2014. The months from November to February reach many below-freezing days and only rarely make it to a high 50 degrees in the day. When it does break 50 degrees, people are outside wearing shorts as if it’s warm, but it’s still frigid out. And all this cold weather rarely brings snow. And if a “Snowmageddon” does happen, the city shuts down over a few inches. I did have to buy thermal underwear for the first time in my life. I became a huge fan and bought several more pairs, bottoms and tops. Pretty perfect comfy winter clothing.
It did snow a little this winter, though. Here’s a photo of my house in Southwest Multnomah Village. Be sure to follow me on Instagram!
UPDATE! It snowed a whole lot in early 2017. Here’s my house in Southeast Portland, the Clinton neighborhood. Global cooling is starting to expose itself.
5) No Fluoride in the water….
Portland is the only major US city to reject fluoridated water. Not once but four times since 1956. For many, this is a plus, but this is a negative for many others. How do you feel about it? Do you want the government adding chemicals to your water for your benefit? Do you trust that they would spend billions for you in that sense, or do you think there is a bigger picture?
The water in Portland also tastes supreme. I wonder if it is fluoride that gives other cities that weird thick filmy taste?
6) Rising rents
As you know, Portland has become a moving destination hot spot. Meaning rent prices are skyrocketing as the supply runs low and the demand keeps growing. There is no rent control here in Portland, so your landlord can raise your rent by ANY dollar amount at any given time. Local residents love to blame Californians for rising rents and forget the fact that it is Oregon-born landlords deciding what prices to charge when renting out units. I moved here not only to escape the ghetto, but because Oakland’s gentrification pushed me out.
This city will push people out much faster than the gentrifying Bay Area because there is no rent control, and the original Oregon-based landlords are greedy. And to top it off, all of the new buildings are high dollar yupster command centers without parking garages putting more strain on the city. So we do need new units, just not these kinds.
Of course, the other problem is that all of these anti-transplant Portland characters refuse to let the past go. They will protest the hell out of an old janky bar with no business getting demolished when that plot of land can be used for newer, bigger, better housing units but then cry that there are no new housing units. Pick your battles; let the past go. The past is what holds a city back. Look at San Francisco and learn from their mistake. Build up a lot now while you still can. Also, realize it is the business owner’s decision, and they own the old useless building. They are choosing to sell for a profit so they can move out of Portland and retire. Are you getting it yet? It is greedy Portlanders ruining Portland. But that is just human nature. If you had a house to rent for more than it should be, you would. And if you had land to sell and retire on, you would. California did not do this; your neighbors did this. Stop being part of the problem and let the future happen. If everyone were like you, Portland would still be stables and barns.
The funniest thing, though, is the people screaming at you for moving there, moved there too. Hypocrites.
And the people screaming at you not to move there, not to cross their “state lines,” want open borders, LOL.
You really should watch this video, you might even cry.
7) No jobs for you in PDX
In this city of “industry,” your most likely job option is flipping burgers, making coffee, pouring drinks, or retail. Tech isn’t that big here yet, and most people you meet work at a restaurant or bar(cocaine runs rampant). So if you’re OK with working nights and weekends in the food service industry(around a bunch of coke heads), this may be the place for you. But just like in San Francisco, as rents skyrocket, food servers can no longer afford to live in the city they work in(because they spend all of their tips on booze and coke while local owners raise rents). Here in Portland a lot of places are closing down in what they’re calling the “Barmageddon“. Yeah, by now, you’ve noticed they add mageddon to everything, but so does any local media in any city to spread junk via hashtags. But here in Portland, the locals will tell you it’s unique to their city.
Anyways, back to the no jobs thing. That’s one way of looking at it. The other way is that Portland houses Nike, Intel, HP, SalesForce, eBay offices, Xerox, etc. These places are constantly hiring, and there are huge amounts of smaller startups all over the city. The city of Portland is actually begging new tech firms to move in. They can’t even fill all of the positions because the population here is simply not skilled enough to fill all the tech jobs. So Portland is yet another city stepping on its residents, raising rents and importing foreigners(who bring their entire families) on work Visas.
Many jobs do exist if you want to work outside of retail, hospitality, or the food industry. But locals will say there are no jobs. The truth is they lack the skill for real jobs, and there are only so many restaurants, coffee shops, and bar jobs to go around. Sorry, not sorry. Step up your game; millennials or tech will bring all of India over here to take your jobs you say do not exist.
8) Volcanoes everywhere
Did I mention giant mountains that explode? Portland is in the Cascade Mountain Range which is littered with active and dormant volcanoes. Mount St. Helen’s last blew its top in a powerful display of insane awesomeness back on May 18th, 1980. They say currently the magma chamber is bulging upwards again. On the plus side? We have a beautiful skyline with a massive beast(Mt. Hood) overlooking the city with snow and glacier capped peaks year around. It’s beautiful. You may have also noticed that I used Mt. Hood for PortlandMofo.
9) Traffic sucks
Because PDX is so spread out along the East and South West and most people work downtown, it makes for a traffic nightmare. They call it bridge city because there are 12 bridges that cross the Willamette River. I’ll note that the St. Johns Bridge is the coolest bridge(follow @OaklandMofo) in Portland. These structures are the only ways into downtown where people work. The traffic is a nightmare during rush hour. You can view live traffic at anytime on Sigalert. Keep in mind that Sigalert is only showing you the freeway traffic. The city streets are jam-packed everywhere because, as you can see, there are large portions of Portland with no freeway at all. These streets through downtown are a constant stream of polluting cars. Just walking down Burnside’s downtown stretch is probably worse for you than smoking a pack of cigarettes.
10) Public Transit also sucks
People claim Portland has an amazing public transit system, but it takes so long to get from one side of the city to the other. They lack a mass transit system like BART(which also sucks). They have MAX, but it is a joke, and I don’t count it as a real rail system. And buses pretty much all buses shut down shortly after midnight. This leaves a lot of drunk drivers on the road because there is no other way to get around when the bars close at 2:30 am. They have recently allowed Uber to operate in the city, but some all-night buses would be ideal.
What is a “hipster” anyway? Good question. The typical stereotype is your average Portland stretch-eared, flannel-wearing, tight jeans sporting, trucker cap, bearded mustache PBR drinking douche wad. I mean, there are copy-paste of the same people everywhere. I even call Hawthorne the Hipster Highway. But honestly, I have seen far fewer “hipsters” here in Portland than I started seeing in Oakland and San Francisco. So if these unoriginal clones bother you, you’re going to run into them no matter where you go. It’s best not to care what others do and just be yourself. But, there is no doubt these people are super try-hards and will mold with whatever the media tells them is cool to be “not cool” cool. But seriously, do not befriend them. They are fake and probably only talk about things like how “Russia hacked us”.
12) Yupsters (you’re probably one)
What is a yupster? Something that is even more prevalent here in the land of Port. A yupster is a wealthier version of the hipster that has a more “normal” appearance and maybe even a small family. Often referred to as Yuckies. Young Urban Creative something, but as I say, Young Urban Copy Pastes. But yes, a yupster is basically a hipster minus the flannel, beard, stretched ears, plus a scarf, hoodie, baby, or something. I say, who cares? Why let others bother you? You don’t have to befriend them. They will probably hate you anyway. Portland snobs hate Californians and other transplants. Yes, even though they themselves are all transplants. They say things like, “well, I’ve been here for 8 years, so it’s OK”. Subscribe for an entire article on the subject coming soon.
13) Lack of “diversity”
When I told my friends in Oakland that I was moving to Portland, they said: “don’t move there, it has no diversity“! It is said that Portland is the “whitest major city in America.” And I mean, coming from Oakland/San Francisco to here(and now living in Las Vegas), I can easily say it’s nowhere near anything like either of the three major cities when it comes to ethnic make-up. Not even close. One could quickly notice that because of that, it’s not even a fraction as ghetto as these other major cities, and it’s super clean. So this can be a plus or a negative. I don’t know.
When people said, “don’t move to Portland, it’s not diverse,” I asked them, what does diversity mean to you? And you know that’s racist? Portland is very diverse. I’ve never seen this many different kinds of white people in my life! Believe it or not, many from Russia too.
Because of all the legal white immigrants, there is a ton of food from all over the world(this is where the majority of beloved food carts come from), and you have many many tourists on any given week. It doesn’t meet the stereotype of “diversity” in Oakland because it is less than 6% black, but it does offer a lot. What does diversity mean to you? Is it purely race-related or as these leftists define it? Do you consider Portland diverse? Is this diversity?
As for political diversity? None at all. It is so Bernie Washed. This is a city that will be in a rage if Trump drops one bomb on Syria. But the same people slept during the 8 years Obama wrecked that country and many others. Obama dropped 26,000+ bombs in 2016 alone, not a single peep from this blue privileged city. Trump carried out one precision attack on an enemy airfield in 2017; everyone went crazy. So you have to understand that this blue bubble is not diverse at all. It is so one-sided that it can’t think for itself and may turn you into one of those zombies in order to be socially accepted. Not I, though. I just moved when I realized everyone was brainwashed. I shall not conform to be accepted. I think for myself.
Racial diversity? It is the kind of city that is quick to protest, block freeways, set stuff on fire, and all in the name of “Black Lives Matter.” Yet there are barely any black people here. It’s just a bunch of rich white kids patting themselves on their backs and being social with each other. They know nothing about hood life yet act so “cultured.” It’s sickening, really. As of 2020, there was an African American population of 5.7% and that is declining as people flock to Portland and rents rise. This tiny population is concentrated in North East Portland. As a result, a direct correlation is a city without much crime. There are a lot of homeless white junkies, and theft is a problem in some areas, but largely in part, the city is crimeless compared to any other major urban city in America. In fact, only 20 murders in 2016 alone. That is crazy low for a city of this size. Don’t be mad at me; it’s just numbers being repeated. There is nothing wrong with stating numbers. If you think this is racist, check yourself and close this article. Maybe you need to move to understand. Get out of your bubble.
Everyone is offended by everything. You would not believe how many people this article offended.
BLM Riot Update
Now a days you need a gas mask!
One of the biggest current reasons not to move to Portland, the local government has no control or authority. They are spineless. They can not help you. The coward mayor has even been forced out of his home in the Pearl. Southwest Downtown Portland has become a disaster, and many residents are stuck living in a “war zone” while kids with no idea of how the world works cry over the 2016 election but disguised as “BLM protest.” This is not about BLM. Even years later, after the old man “won” the election, Anti still riots. Now they demand you carry papers and allow big Gov to inject you because anti-fascist.
The local and mainstream media may try to portray these “protestors” as “BLM” advocates. Still, the truth is the black population in Portland is around 5.7%, located mainly in the far North-East while these white protests are as far away as possible in the South West. Many of the “protestors” are homeless kids who travel the circuit and spend every summer in Portland because the handouts are good. Many came in from out of town just for this main event, this festival of riots. This endless party.
I’ll tell you, as someone who was at every Occupy Oakland, protests are just large parties and a great way to get laid. You don’t even have to believe in “the cause” because no one talks about it. We are only concerned about how long and how much it will take the police to make a move on us so we can record it and cry victim. Yes, I admit, I “Occupied” a lot, but I was young and in it for the fun. I would not join these homeless kids and heroin addicts in Portland; not a chance in hell. Occupy was about Obama and Joe Biden bailing out big banks. “BLM” is not about BLM at all. It is about losing the 2016 election and now forced mandates.
14) Burrito desert
After moving up here from Oakland, I will say the burrito truck options are lacking to almost nonexistent. I was used to being within walking distance of multiple top-tier options as far as Mexican food goes. Some will debate this and state that there are good options, but I’ve only found alright burritos at a much higher cost so far. Portland does have burgers covered, though! I’m OK with this. To be fair, if you’re OK with driving 20 minutes across town for an alright burrito, you’re good. But if you want to live in a burritopia, don’t even think about moving here.
Here’s another example of how stupid, offended, and triggered the racist anti-white Portland Bernie Washed are. A place opened up selling Mexican food and got shut down because the girls who ran it were white. Because oh no, white people are not allowed to make burritos! But the real question is, are black people allowed to make pizza? Are Chinese people allowed to make Japanese food?
15) Water contamination
It’s happened several times since I’ve been in Portland, where they have issued “boil alerts.” The water has been contaminated in the local reservoirs for unknown reasons, and samples contained E. Coli and coliform bacteria. They never did find out the original contamination source and had to drain the water reserves. On the plus side, when there isn’t poop in our water, it’s delicious, natural, clean, and fluoride-free. Most of Oregon is fluoride free.
16) Gangs / Shootings
Maybe you want to move to Portland but can not afford to live downtown proper or shallow east due to rising rents. Many people find themselves out deep east past the 80s and into Gresham, a neighboring city. This area is littered with tweaker-like folks, and there seem to be many white gangs. Who would have thought? It’s like Banging In Little Rock, if you remember that. But that is not where the murders come from. Those still come from North and North East in those communities where most of the last 5.7% of African Americans live. Out in tweekervile, there are many shootings, but they seem to always miss. It’s weird, like Trailer Park Boys, if you will? So, white tweaker gangs in the far east. Murders and robberies happen mostly in North East Portland, the last place to be “gentrified.” They say Portland’s shootings are much higher this year. I witnessed a shooting downtown on Ash St. and 3rd one night while sitting outside a bar drinking. It was strange, considering I hadn’t heard gunfire since I left Oakland. I almost didn’t know what was going on for a minute. However, the guy missed all 6 or 7 shots, ran off on foot, and escaped. So as in most shootings here, no one dies. It’s like everyone has terrible aim around here. And the murder rate is meager compared to a city like Oakland. Stay tuned as we launch a Portland Murder Rate article just like the Oakland Homicide article here.
17) Homeless problem and heroin
Like any other city, Portland has a homeless problem, and heroin is rampant up here. I’ve noticed that the homeless population is very densely located downtown near the Burnside Bridge and Waterfront Park in an area they call Skid Row. I have also noticed that many transients are seasonal street kids(think Berkeley / Santa Cruz) who run “the circuit.” I’ve gone out, hung out, drank, and talked with groups of them on several occasions. They’re easier to relate to than the Bernie Bros at the bars. They come here for the fantastic summer, free food stamps, and then return down south towards SF/Golden Gate Park and L.A for the winter where it’s warmer. But the good thing about this is they are nowhere near as aggressive as panhandlers in downtown San Francisco or Oakland. You can walk by large groups of homeless and not get asked for anything. It’s so strange and refreshing. If anything, they may try to sell you some sub-par weed. Whereas in other cities, people make demands as you walk by and call you racist names when you don’t adhere to the demand. There is a much smaller year-round mentally ill and heavy drug-using population that sticks around for the winter. Overall, it is not a huge problem in the sense that they are not aggressive and dangerous like the Bay, but I have heard locals say otherwise. I think they need to visit SF and see just how insane it can really get. It’s not that bad– it’s safe– all cities have homeless people; Portland has less. It’s normal; they’re just not knowing what it’s like outside the bubble.
UPDATE: By the end of 2016, with the mass ejection of homeless camps along the Springwater Corridor, camps popped up all over South East Portland. Again, non-aggressive, just existing and doing dope with each other. I have walked by countless times and not had a single person ask me for anything. It is rather strange. It makes you wonder where they get their money because the crime did not go up in my area.
BLM Update: Now that there is a never-ending protest party riot going on, the homeless have joined. The endless large numbers can be primarily attributed to this homeless population. So remember that when you think there is a lot of “support” for this failed movement, it is a ton of homeless people who know nothing, are there for the free handouts and party, combined with out of work cokehead restaurant workers and failed dropout college kids crying they did not get their free ride from Bernie. No joke, these are the general make-up of the BLM protestors in Portland. Plus of course, all those funded and flown in to join the druggies.
18) You can’t pump your own gas
Yeah, you must let some station worker do it for you! An Oregon law Chapter 480.320 makes it that way. One could say that’s awesome! But it’s not so great when you end up in a busy station, and you’re waiting for slow employees. Especially when the kid wants to waste time trying to flirt with a girl in another car instead of doing his job, but this is good because it provides a lot of jobs, gas is no more expensive because of it, and you don’t have to tip. When I first stopped in an Oregon city by the name of Ashland on the way up from California, I was confused when told I couldn’t pump my gas, and I tried to tip. That’s how they know you’re from California; you try to tip. But you also get some really poor hygiene workers you must hand your card to, and I mean bad. Pretty sure they employ homeless drug users at many stations. But hey, at least they give them jobs so they can afford drugs without begging from you.
19) No Underground party scene
Maybe you care, perhaps you don’t. But coming from Oakland and going to all kinds of all-night BYOB multiple room warehouse underground parties to Portland where there is just about nothing going on after hours is a trip. After the bars shut down at 2:30 am, this place is a ghost town. I assumed all big cities had a booming underground population. One could say it’s because I’m new here and don’t know anyone, but I have met many people, DJs included, that say the underground scene here is nothing like the Bay. In Oakland/SF, you have to choose which party to go to that night, but here it’s rare even to have one to choose from. But one plus is bars are open til 2:30 am, as to where in California, they close at 2 am. Here you can generally get a drink at 2:25 am if you promise the bartender you’ll down it. In California, they will snatch your drink at like 1:45 am after last calling at 1:40 am. Loving this 24 hour, non-stop Vegas life, though.
20) City Shuts Down Early
I did mention that when the bars shut down, the city is done. But even before that, most things close. So finding late-night food is pretty hard. Stores, clubs, venues, etc. And after 2:30 am, good luck finding a good place to eat nearby. Comment below with your favorite places to eat 24 hours a day in Portland.
21) Music Venues Suck
Coming from the Bay Area, such an epic center of music and performance, I’ve found that Portland flat out sucks when it comes to real entertainment. The Roseland Theater and The Crystal Ballroom are the most booked venues here, and it’s a joke compared to, say, the Fox Theater in Oakland or Filmore, Warfield, Bill Graham, etc., in San Francisco. For example, I went to see Shpongle when they were here in Portland and expected to see Shpongle Live(I was at that show). As soon as I made it upstairs in this all-ages alcohol restricted tiny venue and saw the stage, I knew there was no way in hell they were going to fit on that small stage. What a joke! It turns out they had to do a “DJ set,” meaning not Shpongle at all. I will try to stay away from going back there no matter who is playing. It would be a shame if Beats Antique came to town. They would have nowhere to do their full ensemble.
I did go back for Tech N9ne, and the same thing, small overcrowded stage, all ages, beer restricted to upstairs away from the show, etc. Oh, and they always end early. Like midnight? But this is the best Portland has to offer, and that’s the problem. If you like live music, be prepared for small crappy venues with sub-par sound systems and all ages. There are a lot of smaller, more intimate venues for local bands and whatnot, and that’s cool, but that is any city. This place lacks higher-caliber venues. And I know if I have not pissed you Portlanders off yet, this was the last straw because you will defend this place, but really, you’re missing out.
22) Liquor Stores
A bizarre thing here is that if you ask someone where the nearest “liquor store” is, they will direct you to a distant location. It no longer means a corner store or ghetto mart; it means state liquor store. That’s right; you can not buy hard alcohol at the corner store or grocery store. You must go to a state-appointed market where prices are much higher than wherever you’re coming from. These close early, and the cost are a lot more than average. I think they do this to keep the bar/drinking scene thriving since it’s where most people work.
23) High Bike Theft
This could be an issue anywhere, but it is a huge problem since most people ride bikes in Portland(yes, even in the rain). One that goes unchecked and is out of control. So you may get your $1,000 bike stolen while at work. Life. I actually wrote tips on preventing your bike from being stolen and will create a Portland version soon. Another reason to subscribe.
24) Portland’s Reed College Nuclear Reactor
Just the only nuclear reactor in the nation that is run by college students. No big deal. I’m sure nothing could go wrong. American college kids are the brightest snowflakes around.
25) Marijuana Is Legal
Yes, these crazy hippie Oregonians voted to legalize a narcotic substance! Now you won’t be able to go to a coffee shop without some punk kid trying to sell you a doobie /sarcasm. As of October, all Medical Clubs are open to the public to purchase marijuana legally. If you don’t already have a hook up that’s cheaper. It is still better to have a medical card because you pay less tax, get more potent edibles and can buy more weed. It is even legal to fly with weed here in Oregon, and people are smuggling it out of the state on airplanes. I myself buy underground. So much cheaper and better than these stores.
26) No Pro Football or Baseball Team
If you even care about that sort of thing. I do not. The people of Portland have adapted and claim Seattle’s teams as their own even though the citizens hate Seattle and always claim to be a better city.
Portland does, however, have the Portland Trailblazers basketball team and a local soccer team, the Timbers. People seem to care a lot about them. Again, not into sports; care levels are null. However, growing up in Oakland, I used to be a huge A’s and Raiders fan(they’re following me to Las Vegas) and still love tailgating with all of my friends. Unfortunately, there is no tailgating in this city. People go to really expensive bars before the games instead. It’s not in the slightest bit close to what a tailgating city has to offer. If Portland had a Football team, what would the name be? Comment below.
27) Locals Hate Californians
People online(go troll them, super easy triggering) will talk all kinds of trash about how they hate people from California. They will even blame us for the local landlords raising rents and profiting, but when it comes down to it, face to face, I’ve never had anyone talk trash about me being from California. I have had people buy me a drink, though. In fact, I would say that 80% of the people I meet here are from other states. Even those online trash talkers have only been here for 5 to 15 years. It’s how the world works; people move. Some don’t get it. Even those born and raised here, you’re not special. If anything, you are deprived because you don’t get to explore like us city-hopping nomads.
Here’s an open group to troll. The other one locked down after I put them here. Guess the trolling worked.
28) Most Of Oregon Is Far Right
Portland is considered a progressive left-liberal-like area, but anywhere outside of the city, you’ll find mobs of tree-cutting truck driving red necks. One can argue this about any state, though. The same could be said for California, where the Bay Area is a “blue” area, and the rest of the Central Valley is very “red.” I am not saying I am “blue” or “red,” but that is the easiest way to explain the demographic splits from city to rural areas in this country. As you can already tell, I am independent and glad we escaped Hillary and can read through media lies. But Oregon does not have much in between. City Bernie Washed zombies, countryside “racist rednecks” as Portlanders like to call them. Where are the real people? Scattered throughout the state, keeping to themselves because of mob mentalities.
29) No Amusement Parks
Oregon has no Disney Land, no Great America, and no Six Flags. So if you have a family or you like Roller Coasters, you’re just going to be deprived here. All Oregon has to offer is hundreds of thousands of acres of beautiful lush green State Parks, mountains, National Parks, forests, and waterfalls. Boo.
30) Obama Visits Portland
That guy keeps showing up, closing shit down, causing traffic, getting people excited, and leaving his stain everywhere. If this excites you, you’re weird.
UPDATE: Luckily, you don’t have to worry about Trump visiting. He wants to remove your sanctuary city funding. Harboring illegal criminals and putting a strain on the federal government is no longer acceptable. Fund your own crime; the choice is yours; pay for your choice.
Biden Update: Again, no worry about this guy ever visiting. He can barely make it to the press room and surely not up and down the stairs of Air Force One from city to city.
Because it’s the Pacific North West, you are surrounded by all kinds of flowers, and in the Springtime, it will be overwhelming to a newcomer. And it’s not just pollen you have to worry about. This place is also very damp and wet and there is a lot of mold and moss. Can you handle it?
32) People Are Too Nice
Some call it a fake nice, but either way, they are nice. You can’t even check out at Whole Foods or buy a coffee without the person behind the counter surprising you with some shit like, “So what are your plans this weekend?”. The first time this happened, I thought, “is she hitting on me? My girlfriend is like right there.” I was also caught off guard. I don’t know what I’m doing this weekend! I just woke up and crawled out of bed and don’t even know what I’m doing in 20 minutes. Even though it’s a fake nice, it’s there. Everywhere. You may think this is normal, but in the Bay, everyone just keeps the stank face on all day, and no one smiles or says hi. Here, getting coffee may induce social anxiety.
33) Expensive To Eat Out
Yes, you may save money on rent and by not paying sales tax, but eating out is really expensive. Because the city is staffed by workers who have never had a job other than working in food, this industry must keep running strong to keep them all employed. And that means a $15 burger is standard. Some could say that it is cheap, especially if they come from San Francisco.
34) IPA Or GTFO
Portland is the city of many beers. Mostly IPA beers. Everywhere. Even if it’s not an IPA, it will taste like an IPA. It is a fad that will not let up because it has been proven long ago that you’re more extraordinary if you drink IPA’s. Or PBR. Sorry to let you down. It is not the beer hub you wished for, or maybe it is?
35) Traffic Signs
You may be used to logical driving conditions such as visible stop signs and whatnot. But here, they don’t even write the word STOP on the ground. You’re lucky if you can even see the stop sign. Some are just flat-out hidden behind overgrown trees. You have to learn your hood to know where the stop signs are. The freeway system is also a mess. You’ll find that out as soon as you get here.
36) Parking Is Terrible
Be prepared for a parking nightmare if you live anywhere near downtown on the NW or SW side. You do have to buy a yearly permit, but these areas are laced with establishments, so there is a constant flow of people, and finding parking in front of your house can take over 15 minutes at a time. However, I noticed there are no “No Parking – Street Sweeping” signs. They do not do weekly street sweeping here like in other cities. Which is nice but there are leaves for days because of it. So many leaves. But it’s just another side effect of a primarily white city. People do not litter everywhere; no street sweepers are needed.
37) Too many strip clubs
Portland is the per capita strip club leader in the nation. Or at least someone told me that. Actually, everyone says that, but there is no data to back it up, and it may be a myth. Either way, you probably do not like strip clubs and therefore should not move here.
I wouldn’t say I like strip clubs, but I found these are nothing like your SF clubs, and I found them fun. They have food, cheap drinks, full nudity, good athletic strippers who more or less do acts on stage and aerobatics and crazy stuff, aka put on a show. It came to the point where when any friends visited from out of town; I would take them to The Kit Kat Club to blow their minds. They would go in with this dirty Frisco club in their mind and see how different it is and have a great time. Females visiting included. Everyone loved it.
38) Power outages!
Come Fall and Winter when the winds pick up, it goes down. Trees blow over everywhere, construction sites fall apart in downtown city streets, power goes out and people are left in the dark for days at a time. A friend was just out for 3 days! You can check current outages here.
39) No day parties
No super sick massive slamming day parties here. Ok, well I did go to one day party under the St John’s Bridge and it was cool but it was like a jamboree party compared to say Sunset on Treasure Island.
Portland is not for you if you’re into massive street fairs and festivals. Yes, the city has a lot of “street fairs,” but they consist mostly of PG&E booths, solar panel salesmen, Century Link sales bros, save the elephant people, and we need more bike lane warriors. Oh, and yeah, local handmade art(and junk) and some food and stuff. Nothing and I mean nothing even close to like How Weird, Decompression, Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival, Super Hero Street Fair, Folsom Street Fair, Bay to Breakers, Fleet Week and so on. If you’re into those kinds of things, this place will seem like a bunch of extended yard sales with corporate sponsors. But there are a lot of smaller, expensive things. Food festivals. It’s like beer or burger week every other week.
41) Couples Always Break Up
It’s true. This is the Valley Of Tears. It seems like everyone I meet that moved here with someone(myself included) broke up with their significant other shortly after. When my girlfriend and I moved here, it wasn’t very long before we split. We’re still friends, and I kitty sit for her every time she goes out of town, so it’s not a bad thing. But of course, every time someone asks me why I moved here, that is part of the story, and I find out from many people that they had the same situation unfold. One person even said some call it the Valley of Tears and that couples who move here together are doomed. So, if you’re in a happy relationship, do not move here. As for The Valley of Tears, the drunk guy at a bar told me that Indians would send couples to the area to see if they survived and were meant to be together. Or something. I have searched many times and can not find anything about local Indian lore on this, but if you have info, please hit me up so I can add it. If it is not true, it is for me and many others.
42) Longer Summer Nights
The sun stays out way too long here in the summer. We’re talking sunsets after 9 pm and dusk near 10 pm. This is terrible, and if you’re trying to be in bed by 9 pm like, you should. Unfortunately, this late-night summer sun and perfect t-shirt weather make it really hard.
43) Loud Military Jets Fly Over Portland! <-- Full article
Portland International Airport is home to an F-15 fighter jet squadron known as the Red Hawks. They are loud and frequent. I love it, but I know you, you will hate it. Please read my full article for some excellent info. It was one of my favorites to research.
44) Property Tax Is Really High!
If you come here to own, be ready to pay a lot in property taxes. You didn’t think they would let that free sales tax slide without ripping you off elsewhere, did you. But if you’re just here to rent and call shots, you’re fine. So let those Oregon-born deal with it.
No, seriously. Because. It is the main reason no one wants you to move here, and that’s what the big fuss is about. Because. If none of these other reasons put you off and you still want to move here. Just don’t, because. Although, to be fair. If I were you, I still would. Portland is awesome. Until, of course, a significant election comes about, and everyone turns into fake news media spewing bot-tards parroting everything CNN, MSNBC, and Buzzfeed says. What a bunch of zombies.
Even funnier, these same state-ist people who reject transplants and tell you not to move here and act all high and mighty because of where they were randomly born, these people…… They say we need to open our borders to war-torn countries full of sworn enemies who openly declare they will come in with the refugees. But as long as you don’t move to Portland! It’s ridiculous. This is why Portland is not for me. Hypocrites and illogical people will never be my crowd.
46) WAY Too Dog Friendly
As one of our commenters mentioned, the city is way too dog-friendly. Everyone thinks they are so cool for having a stupid dog. You can’t go anywhere without dodging poop, and they are tied up all over outside of stores. Many stores have friggen dog bowls and allow stinky dogs inside, etc. This is not OK. What kind of weird are you if you want to own a dog anyways?
47) No More PDX Carpet
I mean, the only reason to ever even come to Portland in the first place was so that you could get a picture of your feet with the iconic Portland Airport carpet, right? Well, they removed it, and the new one is not that great. So I suggest that instead of taking a photo of your feet, you take a picture flipping it off, as shown in my photo here, and tag it #PortlandMofo.
Don’t forget to follow on Instagram!
So as you know, I did move to Las Vegas. A 24-hour city with proper infrastructure, tons of diversity, much food, beer, people who think on both sides of the fence, cheaper rent, more sunshine, and so on. I could keep going, but I’m going to save that for a future article.
For now, please share and comment with your additions below.
I would also add that marijuana is actually NOT a narcotic, and there is plenty of gang activity in North Portland, as well as several burrito spots within a couple miles. But overall yeah. And not totally a Bernie area, but definitely a very “if I believe it, you’re offending me if you don’t agree!” Kind of an area.
Yeah the whole marijuana thing was a joke. I never went to weed stores in Portland though because I had cheaper black market hooks.
Ellen Arndt says
Okay this was funny and pretty spot on but you forgot how this city is infested with dog obsessed people and then the sh*t that half the dog owning community doesn’t pick up. It’s so joyous.
Kimball Marlow says
Spiders spiders everywhere. Australia has the most poison snakes, the tropics have the most parrot variety, and Oregon has more spiders per square mile than anyplace on Earth. Poisonous yes, black windows under every piece of patio furniture in southern Oregon, Portland is crawling with hobo spiders, brown recluse in almost every house, European spiders look like a big brown recluse, but not as poisonous, and the occasional black widow. Added to that wolf spiders that are the Hulk Hogan of the spider world. They’re big enough to cover the palm of your hand, and come indoors to set up shop in late summer. You’ll jump out of your skin when you find one running around the bathroom shower, and they are fast. Not fast like your cat, but fast like dragster running on super nitro. They’ll run over both your bare feet while your trying to relax, and drink your morning coffee on the toilet. Leaving you with a clamping sphincter that can bend steel, while you spill hot coffee down your legs. Now if you ever leave the house, and try to get to your car you face the spider web challenge. While you tried to sleep after spraying the entire house with a mega sized can of roach and spider killer. The outside spiders were busy all night making your house look like a Halloween party. Which would be the case in any other state, except Oregon. He we’ve gotten use to spitting web out of our mouths, and looking like a spastic break dancer on our way to the car as we swat, both webs, and spiders out of our way to our cars. People just don’t realize all the different colors spiders come in. You’ll find green ones, pink ones, white ones, and yellow ones just trying to smell the roses. The grass has dozens of kinds that patrol nothing, but the ground. Every shrub and tree has it’s own spider ecosystem, and billions of webs. No one every tells the whole story about the spiders in Oregon. I don’t know if anyone has ever documented all the varieties of spiders in Oregon. Once you’re here, and can’t afford to move you get use to living with the little blood suckers, but I can’t think of a single reason to choose to live with the spiders in Oregon if you had a choice.
Who knows what the radiation from Fukashima will do to the spider DNA. Maybe we’ll have spiders eating our pets in 20 years.
That’s funny you did this as a joke. I feel this should be put in a leather bound book and used as teaching material on how to view your community. Moved back here from San Antonio. I’m still trying to figure out what the hell I was thinking.
Stop raining says
I moved from SF bay area 3.5 years ago, seriously, I couldn’t stand the life style and the weather here in Portland. It’s hard to make friends or find a job. I miss the diversity, high tech, educated people there. I miss the activities there. It’s time to consider moving back to CA. Portland is boring and racist.
Time to go back to California.
While California is the far superior state, the prices reflect that and it is just not worth it. So, Viva Las Vegas. Loving it so far.
Marcel Musique says
Love your style of writing! Some people here obviously don’t get the wit and indirect rhetoric, most of whom seem to be native portlanders! hahah Anyways, so glad i found this article. Exactly what I was looking for. A lot of hidden references that describe the environment in subtle ways. It both praises and criticizes PDX. Loved the “Urban Bernie Zombies” parts! =)
Haha thanks! It is surely not for everyone. I knew exactly what I was doing / getting myself into with this article about Portland. But great minds think alike and understand one another.
John Cocks says
I live in Washington State, and when we switched over to not having regulated liquor stores, prices slowly went way up. this is because now the grocery stores and little markets now have to include their own margins, and consider labor and profit when putting the item on their shelves and selling the item.
Here’s an excerpt from Wikipedia: “Under the state-run system, the shelf price included all taxes. Under the private system, as implemented by 1183, all spirits are to be taxed at 20.5% on the shelf price in addition to a flat spirits liter tax of $3.7708/liter.”
NONE OF THOSE TAXES ARE SHOWN ON THE PRICE STICKER. In regulated stores, they would put everything but the sales tax, since that changes per area. so the prices were not only better, but they were much more clear.”
So we have great accessibility to alcohol when its sold everywhere, but in all honesty, usually it ends up being more expensive, but the perception of that is skewed by the shear convolutedness of how we value price and access.
Now we just bite the bullet for access and pay a little more. IDK if that is worth it.
Sounds like Washington did it wrong.
Because alcohol was always cheaper in California where you can buy it anywhere and now here in Las Vegas.
Portland, Oregon, don’t be like Washington.
This article is hilarious! Moved here from Santa Cruz exactly 3 years ago and hate it. I am planning on moving back to CA as soon as I can. I am an artist and have found that the art scene here is very pretentious. if you’re an artist from CA, they want nothing to do with you. I applied to over a dozen venues and got into 3. They’re very loyal to their local artists but don’t want outside artists encroaching on their art scene. And I’ve shown in SF for Christ sakes! I had a fellow artist tell me to my face to go home. And she had a British accent. Anyway, I’m done. I’ll be out of here as soon as I get some red tape taken care of. Thanks for a great article.
Oh how true this is. My ex had trouble getting into paid shared work spaces for artist. Pretty much interviews from local cults lol. And she is a girl! So she has that big boobies advantage and found her way in but it was not easy. The general idea towards people form California is so hypocritical because these California hating Portland residents are the same people with signs in their yards saying “we welcome refugees” and all this other crap. The truth is, they do not. They pat themselves on their backs but live in the tightest bluest bubble whitest city in America, on their high horses patting their own backs while sporting shit grins.
It’s too bad, because the geography, location, city, etc is amazing. It’s the people who can kick rocks.
Elliott T. says
Home is where your attitude rests. Live in LV, southwest and dry out, like Jesus in the desert. Guess you’ll be an Oakland-er for life with the Raiders moving to LV. Enjoy! Lunch buffets used to be cheap in LV back in the day; things do change. LV is perfect place for people with mobility. LV is affordable now, but give it another decade or so, and like anywhere else it shall escalate. And LV will shrivel up from lack of water; Arizona is not far behind, except we do have the mountains of eastern Arizona for snow melt, and bigger take from the Colorado River. Without air conditioning, Phoenix and LV would be heaven on earth. Pick our best medicine. People love it in Montana, until they get arthritis; then off to Arizona, if they can handle the heat, tough for anyone with thick skin from those bratwursts. Life goes on. Happiness is where your mind is centered. If it is politics watch FOX news; if not, take a sledgehammer to the tv and visit the public library not the internet for some real in-depth learning. Ever heard of books, not one-liners? If I were to move from Arizona to Oregon it would be because of the rain for salmon fishing and vegetable gardening. The food co-operatives would be additional benefits that I do not get in Arizona. Been here since 1965 and vegetable gardening here is like a duck out of water. Howdy! The critic of Portland would like Arizona, home of Wyatt Earp, gunslinger. Shoot from the hip, and take off for California, never to return. Problem is, they still talk about him as if he still lives; and maybe he does, in their minds. Stuck. Funniest thing about Arizona, it led the nation in charter schools; and right to work; some call it right-to-poverty. Also led the country in beating up those attempting to form (union) grievances in Marana, AZ; just read it in Zinn’s works; by the way, now outlawed in classrooms in Tucson. Nope, not a liberal; just like to get the real facts behind the smoke. You all take care, and have a great life. Health is all that we have. Anything else is frosted doughnuts.
Solution for you is extremely simple. Go back where you came from.
But I’ve been over Oakland.
Marijuana is not a narcotic. Opioids are narcotics, heroin, opium, morphine, ocycodone, etc. Not a punkster, a registered nurse.
I guess you missed that most of this was a joke.
I smoke weed every day.
The new carpet at PDX looks as if they took the old carpet and stirred it. It was like taking that great “art work” done on top of your luxury coffee drink, and mussing it up with a spoon.
Lynn Marshall-Callahan says
Can you be positive now? Where would you move to?
I did move, to Las Vegas.
There was actually a lot of hidden positive arguments in this article.
So you must have been there at some secret magical time. We left after 50 years and moved south because of the constant rain, and or, gray. They don’t call P-Town Lil Gotham for nothing. That whole area of the states act like sunshine is poison. In my 50 years there it never stopped raining till end of June then STILL rains(and or super clouds) throughout the entire summer, then starts up again full time way too early. We live in cal and are happy. You’re in LV, and you think PDX had endless sunsets? No comparison brah!
Honestly, quite hilarious.
It was supposed to be a joke but it offended many.
But that’s how I like it.